Chapter 119: A Painful Decision

Sometimes, a person's mood truly influences their actions. Under normal circumstances, I would never have done something so reckless. But that night, my mind was in complete turmoil. There was the pain and despair of not being able to have Xu Shu’s love, shame and guilt over what I had done, and utter disappointment in my own shamelessness. All these feelings combined left me wondering what kind of person I really was. For a moment, I entertained the idea of giving up entirely. After all, I would never have Xu Shu, I no longer had the face to continue seeing Qiu Jieqin, I was nothing but a shameless scoundrel, a cowardly man unworthy of anything—so why bother pretending to be a good person? A sudden surge of dark fire erupted within me, driving away all reason. When Hua Jingjing’s lips pressed against mine, I threw caution to the wind, grabbed her fiercely, and plunged my tongue into her mouth. At the same time, one hand reached to tear open her inner garment, desperate to create an opening for my hand.

“Hua Jingjing! If you want this, then come! I’ll have you now. I’m already no longer human anyway.” I tugged at her clothes repeatedly but couldn’t get them undone. There was no tenderness in my frenzy. I pushed her away abruptly, grabbed her outer jacket, and yanked hard. A button snapped off with a sharp “pop.” Hua Jingjing’s face flushed scarlet; she instinctively clutched her clothes and stammered, “Tang Qian, not here… someone might see us.”

My eyes had turned bloodshot; I didn’t care who might be watching. I forcefully removed her hand, and with the other, continued trying to undress her. Hua Jingjing’s hand was squeezed painfully; she cried out, “Tang Qian, you’re hurting me!” I paid no heed. When one hand couldn’t undo her clothes, I grabbed the hem and tried to rip it up in one go. But Hua Jingjing was still a virgin, inexperienced and terrified. In panic, she dodged aside, pushed open the car door, and scrambled out from under me, not daring to look back as she ran away in haste. I didn’t stop her; instead, uncontrollably, I burst into laughter.

So Hua Jingjing’s passion was fake too. When it came down to it, she was afraid after all! My laughter turned wild and manic. Yes, I’m a rogue! Now Hua Jingjing has seen the real me, hasn’t she? She must hate me! Good! Hate me! I’m a scoundrel unworthy of any woman’s love! Amidst my laughter, tears unknowingly streamed down my face. Suddenly, I felt so defeated in love. The woman I loved didn’t love me back; the women who loved me, I had hurt one by one. I was an utter failure as a man! Eventually, the laughter faded, leaving only tears flowing freely. I didn’t know why I cried, only that the frustration in my heart needed to be released.

After a long while, I finally calmed down. I realized I wasn’t fit for love. I couldn’t bring happiness to any woman and didn’t deserve to be with them. It was time to make a decision. From now on, I would no longer entangle myself with any of them. I stepped out of the car and saw Hua Jingjing had returned. Hastily, I wiped away my tears and waited for her to approach. She came over, her face full of worry, and quietly said, “Tang Qian, you scared me! What’s wrong? It’s not that I don’t want to be with you, but this place isn’t right…”

Looking at Hua Jingjing, still visibly shaken, I apologized, “Ms. Hua, I’m sorry. I lost control just now—I didn’t know what I was doing. I hate myself. If you want to sue me, go ahead; I’m willing to accept the punishment.” She looked frightened and asked, “Why would I sue you? What did you just call me?” I steeled myself and said, “Sue me or not, it’s up to you. But I don’t want to see you anymore. Forget me.”

Hua Jingjing panicked, “Why? Just because I refused earlier? Fine, I… I’ll agree to you.” I shook my head with a smile. “It’s not because of that. I’m someone unworthy of love. I can’t give any woman happiness. You shouldn’t waste your time on me. That’s all I have to say. I won’t answer your calls anymore. I hope you can forget me soon. Now go back; I’m going upstairs.”

As I turned toward the stairs, Hua Jingjing hurriedly grabbed me and said, “Wait, you haven’t explained everything. You can’t leave yet!” I turned back, remembering something. “Right, there’s something I need to tell you in advance—a warning. I might do something in the near future that’s against your interest. I hope you won’t blame me.”

Hua Jingjing trembled, confused and afraid. “What is it? Tang Qian, don’t scare me! You look like this, I’m so scared!” I sighed, “Don’t be afraid yet. Maybe it won’t be such a big deal to you. Everyone has their own path. The business world is a battlefield. When the time comes, you’ll understand. For now, that’s all I can say.” I pulled my hand free and added, “Go back. Don’t waste your time here. I’m not worth your love.” Turning, I strode toward the stairs.

Behind me, Hua Jingjing shouted, “Tang Qian, stop! You didn’t make yourself clear. I don’t understand what you mean.” Without looking back, I climbed upstairs and returned home. Everyone was already asleep. I lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. My heart ached; I truly didn’t want to hurt the women who loved me. But as long as I loved Xu Shu, I could never bring happiness to anyone else. Rather than dragging things on in confusion, it was better to decide now—even if it meant they hated me. That would be better than their hopeless love.

After a moment’s thought, I grabbed the phone in the living room and called Qiu Jieqin. The line connected quickly. “Jieqin, are you asleep?”

“No, I can’t sleep.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Why are you calling?”

“I’ve thought it through. We should break up. I can’t be with you anymore. I’m sorry.”

There was a long silence on the other end. I sighed and said, “Let’s leave it at that. You’ll find a man who truly loves you.” With a heavy heart, I hung up.

After smoking a few more cigarettes, I dialed another number. The call connected after a few rings. “Hello, Manager, you’re still awake?”

“You didn’t come. I haven’t been sleeping well these past two days.”

“Manager, I don’t think I’ll come back anymore. But please, don’t torture yourself like before. You should find someone who will truly care for you. I can’t rest easy otherwise.”

“Is that so? Finally... you hate me?”

“No, don’t misunderstand. I don’t hate you. I just have other reasons and might not be able to take care of you anymore.”

“That’s alright. I’ve prepared myself. Don’t worry—I won’t sink into despair like before.”

“Good. Take care and be happy.”

“I will.”

I put down the phone and collapsed onto the sofa, unable to calm the turmoil inside. I knew tonight I had hurt three women. But I had no choice—if I didn’t do this, I would hurt them even more. Sitting there, I chain-smoked as if trying to poison myself with the smoke. I resolved never to fall in love again or get involved with any woman. I would focus solely on work. A real man, even without a woman, should dedicate himself to his career!

Suddenly, the silence of the night was broken by the ringing phone, startling me. Not wanting to wake my family, I hurriedly answered, “Hello? Who is it?”

Hua Jingjing’s crying came through the line. “Tang Qian, you’re being so vague. I’m not willing to accept this. I’m still downstairs. Come down quickly, or I swear I won’t leave even if it kills me.”

I sighed, “Ms. Hua, even if I come down, I can only say the same things. Forget it. With your qualities, you can find a man a hundred times better than me. Why hang yourself on this tree?”

“I don’t care. I want to hang on this tree. Are you coming down or not? If you don’t, I’ll come up!”

I hardened my heart. “Hua Jingjing! Don’t do anything reckless. Don’t disturb my family’s peace. I’m telling you honestly, I don’t love you and will never be with you. If you dare come up, don’t blame me for tearing things apart.”

“Tang Qian... you’re so cruel! I... boohoo...” Hua Jingjing started crying uncontrollably on the phone. I steeled myself and hung up.

I jumped to the window and looked down. There she was, crouched below, covering her face, shoulders shaking with sorrowful sobs. My nose tingled with emotion; I quickly turned away, unwilling to look. In my heart, I thought, “Jingjing, hate me. Hate me to death. I’m truly not worthy of your love. Hurting you was never what I wanted, but I have no choice.”

Still, her despairing cries pierced my heart. Restlessly, I paced the living room, chain-smoking. I realized I couldn’t bear this torment. Several times, I wanted to rush downstairs to comfort her. But I knew once I did, it would never end between us.

When I finished the pack of cigarettes, I returned to the window—she was gone. I exhaled deeply and collapsed to the floor, laughing bitterly as I grabbed my hair. Endless pain scraped at my heart like a blade.

Finally... dawn came. Like a fool, I sat there until sunrise, until I heard my parents’ bedroom door open. My mother, yawning, came out. Seeing my strange state, she exclaimed, “Xiao Qian? What happened?”

I got up and forced a smile. “Nothing. I slipped and fell on my butt, couldn’t get up.”

Mom half scolded, half laughed. “What’s going on with you lately? Always getting hurt—falls or car accidents. You’re a grown man; why keep making us worry?”

Knowing she wouldn’t stop, I called out, “Alright, alright, I’ll be careful. I haven’t slept yet, so I’m going to bed now.” Then I dashed into my room.

When I woke again, it was already two in the afternoon. Groggy, I sat up and grabbed my phone to power it on. As it booted, messages flooded in one after another. Knowing my phone had been off for two days, I expected many people had tried contacting me. Without looking, I deleted them all one by one.

I went out to wash my face and brush my teeth. Midway through, my phone rang. I pulled it out and saw an unfamiliar number. Who could it be? Fan Yunting?

I suddenly remembered—Fan Yunting’s business card was still in Hua Jingjing’s hands and hadn’t been returned to me. Smiling bitterly, I answered. On the line, Xu Shu’s furious voice rang out: “Tang Qian, you’ve gone too far! How could you hurt Jingjing like this? Come to me right now, immediately!”