Chapter Forty-Five: Reflection

I took a deep drag of my cigarette and nodded, saying, "Alright. What do you want to talk about?"

Li Mingfan pointed towards the lawn. "Let's take a walk. It's too noisy here." I understood what he wanted to discuss, but what I couldn't fathom was why, when he clearly loved Hua Jingjing, he allowed himself to be manipulated by someone as ordinary as Gong Jinhong. Was he, like me, under coercion?

We strolled slowly across the lawn. Li Mingfan pulled out a cigarette, lit it with a metallic click, inhaled deeply and exhaled forcefully. Then he said, "I'm really jealous of you. You have such a lovely fiancée. I've been infatuated with her since I was fifteen, but she never favored me. This world is truly unfair."

I replied, "The world is indeed unfair, but when it comes to matters of love, fairness doesn't exist. Love is love, and absence of it is absence; no one can force it. You can't demand the one you love to love you back in equal measure, nor can you give equal love to someone who loves you. That's life."

Li Mingfan fell silent, smoking heavily, walking a long stretch before he finally said, "I came to see you just to ask: do you love her?"

This question was impossible for me to answer. To say I loved her would be a lie, and I couldn't bring myself to utter it. To say I didn't love her would not fit my current role; it left me in a bind. I could only reply, "Do you even have the right to ask me that?"

"Don't misunderstand. I'm not trying to compete with you for her. I just want her to be happy. She seems to truly love you, and I just want to know that you love her too, so I can rest easy."

I flicked away my cigarette butt. "If you love her so much, why not keep pursuing her? Why stay with a woman you don't love?"

Li Mingfan's gaze dimmed. "This is what I mean by the world being unfair. I'm poor. Jingjing once said I couldn't give her happiness, that she'd never fall for me. So for a while, I worked desperately to make money, hoping one day I'd be worthy of her. But I lost all my savings and borrowed money in the stock market. When misfortune strikes, even drinking water can choke you. Creditors came daily, and then my mother was diagnosed with cancer, needing a huge sum for treatment. I was utterly cornered. To raise money, I even entertained thoughts of robbery."

I stopped, looking at him with sympathy, suddenly understanding why he was with a woman he didn't love. His situation mirrored mine, but was even worse. At least, after tonight, I would be free, no longer forced to cater to any woman. But it seemed he would spend his whole life with his head bowed.

Sure enough, Li Mingfan continued, "Later, Gong Jinhong found me, said she'd pay off my debts and cover my mother's medical bills, on the condition that I become... her toy dog. I had no choice." He sighed long and deeply, taking another hard pull on his cigarette.

"So you've resigned yourself to this fate?"

"What else can I do? There's no hope for me. Apart from playing guitar, I have no other skills. How else could I repay that debt?"

Looking at him, I felt that this defeated man was not worthy of my sympathy. Disaster and misfortune weren't his fault, but to submit to fate without any struggle—he was no true man! No wonder Hua Jingjing didn't like him.

Just as I was about to say something, Li Mingfan's phone rang from his pocket. He quickly answered, "Hello? Yes. I'm coming."

He closed the phone and looked at me helplessly. "That woman is calling me. About the question I asked earlier—can you answer me? I no longer desire anything for myself, I just want Jingjing to have a good home, to be happy. Can you clearly tell me—do you love her? Can you make her happy?"

I replied seriously, "Happiness is earned, not given by others. Whether Hua Jingjing finds happiness depends on her own efforts; I truly can't answer you."

Li Mingfan looked disappointed. "Is that so? So that's how it is." He seemed surprised, stood there stunned for a moment, then sighed softly and walked away.

Watching his desolate figure, I felt a strange sadness for him. A man reduced to depending on a woman, enduring her manipulation, becoming her plaything, not fighting for the one he loves but pleading others to bring her happiness—living like this, he was little different from a useless waste.

I suddenly recalled Xu Shu's attitude towards me earlier; it was so similar to how I viewed Li Mingfan! Though it wasn't my intention, what right does a failure have to demand respect from others?

I thought of my years in the company, idly drifting, blaming the world for not recognizing my talents, full of resentment, and in the end, it was a woman's help that got me another position. That alone made me content and secretly pleased. Only now, seeing Li Mingfan, did I realize I'm not much better than him. In the eyes of those with wealth, status, and achievement, both of us are worthless, nothing but trash.

I was deeply ashamed!

Tang Qian, what have you been doing all these years? No wonder Xu Shu looks down on you, no wonder Hua Jingjing always bullies you! What use is pride and self-respect without strength or status? Why would anyone respect you? The world is harsh—if you don't fight for yourself, you will never earn true recognition. Xu Shu's attitude was justified; I am still living off the Hua family, and living miserably at that, forced by Hua Jingjing to work as her secretary with no way out.

I lit another cigarette, shaken by Xu Shu's words, reflecting deeply on my attitude towards life these past years.

I am truly a contradictory person, always going with the flow, yet unable to stand being belittled. I prided myself on talent and integrity, yet never strove to forge my own path. How am I any different from Li Mingfan? Both of us are objects of contempt—how ridiculous that I looked down on him earlier; what right did I have?

Smoking, standing alone on the empty lawn, I thought for a long, long time. The already meager pack of imported cigarettes quickly ran out. That night, I resolved: never again would I let others look down on me, never again would I live without hope. I must strive, I must work hard, I must build my own career, I must achieve success! I must gain status! I want everyone to respect me, never dare to insult me!

Perhaps no matter how hard I work I will never surpass Xu Shu's current status, but at least I can ensure she no longer sees me as a man who survives only by deceiving women.

I fiercely tossed away the last cigarette butt, exhaled deeply, and decided—after tonight, no! This very night, I would tell Hua Jingjing I was resigning. I would rely on my own abilities to forge a career, however hard it might be, however many failures I might face. If I never try, how will I know if I can succeed?

Turning around, I strode toward the villa, ready to tell Hua Jingjing I was leaving.

As I neared the main entrance, I saw Wang Bingzhang, Xu Shu's bodyguard, approaching. He stood before me, solemnly. "Mr. Tang?"

"What is it?" I asked.

"Miss Xu wishes to see you. Would you come with me?"

I sneered inwardly. She wanted to see me? Probably to warn me not to pester Hua Jingjing. Very well! I wanted her to know that though I, Tang Qian, am a pauper, I am not the worthless scoundrel she takes me for.

"Alright. Where is she?"

Wang Bingzhang fixed his hawk-like gaze on me, perhaps wondering why Xu Shu suddenly wanted to see this nobody she'd never met.

But he was a soldier, accustomed to obeying orders. He kept a stern face. "Please follow me."

I followed him through a side door of the villa, up a flight of stairs to the third floor, along a long carpeted corridor, and finally to a door.

Wang Bingzhang called through the door, "Miss Xu! Mr. Tang is here!"

Xu Shu's voice came from inside, "Let him in!"

Wang Bingzhang gently pushed the door open and gestured for me to enter.

My heart was calm, like still water. I smiled and walked inside.

It was a spacious library, furnished in pure European style. All four walls were lined with tall bookshelves, filled with tens of thousands of volumes. A movable ladder rested by the western shelves. In the center stood a massive desk, crafted from redwood, exquisitely made. The stunningly beautiful Xu Shu sat behind it.

Seeing me enter, Xu Shu stood up, signaled Wang Bingzhang to close the door, then smiled and said, "Please, have a seat, Mr. Tang."