Chapter Ninety-Four: Call Me Brother

The first indication that something had changed was her sudden, troubled question. Before long, the two sisters were gone, and I sat alone on the sofa, my heart in utter turmoil. I covered my face with both hands, miserable, ashamed, and full of regret.

I had been far too arrogant. What right had I ever had to hope for the moon when I was only a toad? I ought to have taken one look at myself. How could someone so lofty and dazzling ever think of me? In truth, her words had already made her meaning plain: in her eyes, I was at most someone fit to stand beside her brother. She had, in her way, thought rather highly of me. That alone explained why she had been so anxious and tearful when I tried to leave. If it had been my own sister, I might well have done the same. How ridiculous of me to have mistaken that for affection.

To be regarded as a brother was already more than I deserved. But as a lover? I was still light-years away.

I sank deeper into remorse, and then I thought of my fiancée. With painful clarity, I understood that I had betrayed her devotion. While I was involved with her, my heart had been reaching toward another woman. There was no forgiving that.

I felt unworthy of the actress, and even more unworthy of my girlfriend. She loved me with all her heart, faithfully and unchangingly for eight long years, while I was such a fickle man. How could I possibly deserve her love?

In that torment, I came to despise myself.

Then my phone rang in my pocket. I was too dispirited to answer, and let it ring on and on. But the call refused to give up. It rang, stopped, and rang again.

At last, unwillingly, I took it out. The caller ID showed the manager's name. At once my nose stung, and I nearly wept. In this whole world, the only person who knew my heart was her. She was the one person to whom I could speak honestly, without pretence or concealment, and grieve without restraint.

I pressed the answer key. "Hello."

From the other end came her soft, broken sobbing. "Tang Qian... I know I frightened you last night, but I swear I won't do that again. Will you still come? Without you here, I'm truly terrified. I can't sleep at all. I need you, Tang Qian."

I glanced at my watch. It was already five minutes past midnight. She was still waiting for me.

"Manager," I said, "I'm very far away right now. By the time I get to you, it may be quite late."

"Then will you come? It doesn't matter if I have to wait. As long as you come."

I was silent for a moment. "All right. I'll come over. In fact, there's something I'd like your advice on."

"That's wonderful. I'll be waiting for you."

I hung up, took out my cigarette case, and found only one cigarette left. I placed it between my lips, lit it, and drew in a deep breath. My heart was heavy, and I longed to speak to someone. She was the best person for that.

By then I was certain beyond all hope that I had fallen irretrievably in love with the actress. Yet that love was bleak and hopeless, and it left me in agony. What made it worse was the realization that I could no longer remain with my girlfriend, and did not deserve to. I could not keep seeing her while my thoughts belonged to someone else. That would be unfair to her, and it might wound her deeply. I could not bear to do that. Yet I did not know how to tell her. Should I simply say that I have fallen in love with someone else, so we must part? No. That would be far too cruel a blow. I could not bring myself to say it. But staying silent would be crueler still, because I could no longer love her. I could not give her happiness. I was lost, and had no answer.

So I wanted to ask the manager whether she had any good way to lessen the harm to my girlfriend as much as possible.

I smoked, intending to leave as soon as I finished.

Just then, the study door opened again, and the actress came in carrying a tray. She frowned and waved a hand before her. "Good heavens, what a cloud of smoke. It's awful. Tang Qian, could you smoke a little less? It costs money and ruins your health. I really don't understand why men like such a useless habit."

She came to stand before me, smiling as she offered the tray. "I thought you might be hungry. Have something to fill your stomach. It's quite late already, so why not stay here tonight? I've had the guest room prepared. There's a new set of men's pajamas I originally bought for my father. They may be a little large for you, but there's nothing to be done about that. Just make do with them for now."

I looked up and saw that her gaze was clear and unreadable, as though nothing had happened at all. For a moment I wondered whether everything before had been nothing but my imagination. Or was she simply so deeply composed that she could gather herself in an instant and appear entirely unruffled?

On the tray was a glass of milk and a few slices of bread, but I had no appetite whatsoever. How could the great star before me have been so calm? Only a moment ago she had been weeping, clinging to me, pouting, and acting all the capricious, spoiled girl. Yet in the blink of an eye she had returned to her role as a famous actress, graceful and proper, courteous and poised. Was she born a genius at acting? No wonder an American director had taken notice of her and wanted to bring her to Hollywood.

I sighed. "No, I'll go back. It's too late. It wouldn't be proper for a man to stay the night here. Could you have a car take me home?"

She froze for a moment, and the light in her eyes dimmed. "I see..."

"No, that won't do. Do you know what time it is? By the time you get home, dawn will almost be breaking. Brother Tang Qian, just sleep here. You can even go out and play with me tomorrow. How nice is that?"

As she finished speaking, the little devil skipped into the room, practically bouncing as she came. She leaned against the back of the sofa and was still chewing on an apple, half of it already gone.

Her sister shot her a glare. "You! All you ever think about is play. Your Brother Tang Qian isn't a child. He can't be running around with you all day and neglecting his proper business."

The little devil bit into the apple and mumbled around it, "What do you mean, my Brother Tang Qian? Haven't you called him brother too?"

Her sister gave a start, then smiled. "I'm not like you, saying Brother Tang Qian this, Brother Tang Qian that all day long. When have you ever heard me call him brother? I always call him Tang Qian directly, or Mr. Tang. Isn't that right, Tang Qian?"

I still hadn't decided whether to nod or not when the little devil exploded.

"You did too! In the lounge, didn't you lean in so close, with that dreamy look in your eyes, and say, 'Why aren't you saying anything, Brother Tang Qian?' If Brother Tang Qian hadn't dodged in time, you would have bitten him already!"

The actress could no longer maintain her air of refinement. Embarrassed and exasperated, she snapped, "Xue Xin! Stop making things up, will you? What do you mean, dreamy look? What do you mean, I would have bitten him? Wasn't I questioning your Brother Tang Qian on your behalf? Didn't you see my expression then?" She turned to me. "Brother Tang Qian, you have to prove it for me! That rotten girl is driving me mad."

I... was speechless.

The little devil laughed sharply and clapped her hands. "Well, now we've caught you red-handed. So you're the one calling him brother now, aren't you? We all heard it!"

The actress's face turned livid with rage. The tray in her hand tilted dangerously. "Wasn't I just driven half crazy by you? How dare you turn this around on me?"

In her fury she moved to grab her sister, but the tray made that awkward. She shoved it into my hands. "Brother Tang Qian, hold this for me. I absolutely must teach her a lesson!"

Seeing the situation turn bad, the little devil had already been ready to run. At that, she burst out laughing, doubled over, and rolled on the floor, howling with delight. "Again! Hahaha... again!"