Chapter 21: I Am Lost and Know Not the Way Home

That night was another sleepless one. In the restless hours of his insomnia, Lin Shenlu gradually sobered up. He felt a pang of regret and self-reproach; he had acted too hastily. Whether it was a mere illusion or simply the fondness accumulated over a few days of acquaintance, he should not have said what he did at such an inappropriate moment yesterday. It is often said that alcohol emboldens people to act on impulse, and it seemed he was no exception to this cliché. Perhaps, too, it was his lack of experience with women that made him a bit clumsy.

Lin Shenlu resolved that in the morning he would apologize properly to An Muxi, not wanting to ruin the goodwill that had taken days to build. He could not recall when he finally fell asleep. When he opened his eyes, daylight filled the room. The window, left slightly ajar the night before, ushered in the scent of sunlight. Lin Shenlu got up and checked the time—it was already past ten in the morning. Clearly, drinking had disrupted him; even his steadfast internal clock had been thrown off.

After dressing, Lin Shenlu stepped out and glanced at An Muxi’s door beside his own, taking a deep breath. He knocked gently, trying to conjure the most natural smile on his lips. Yet no one answered. Lin Shenlu was curious. Had he slept too late, and An Muxi already gone downstairs for breakfast? With this doubt, he prepared to go downstairs.

There was no sign of An Muxi in the hall, nor outside the inn. Was she farther away? Lin Shenlu dared not imagine it. From any angle, An Muxi was not the type to rise early and go sightseeing, nor would she venture alone into unfamiliar places—especially after a night of drinking. Where could she have gone?

Pondering, Lin Shenlu returned to the lobby.

“Ah, Mr. Lin, you’re awake?” The receptionist greeted him with a smile.

Lin Shenlu nodded, suddenly struck by a thought. “Excuse me, I’d like to ask about my friend—the girl staying next door to me. Have you seen where she went?” He pinned his hopes on the receptionist; after all, Gu Moran would never be up at this hour, usually emerging only after noon, clutching Xu Xu. So the receptionist was the right person to ask.

“Yes, Mr. Lin. Your friend, Miss An, checked out and left at dawn this morning,” the receptionist replied.

Lin Shenlu was stunned. How could this be? An Muxi had checked out early? She hadn’t said a word to him. Just as things between them had begun to progress, everything seemed to change in an instant. Was it because of last night’s awkward confession? It was merely a drunken remark—something that could be taken back! Moreover, the Van Cleef & Arpels four-leaf clover necklace he had accidentally broken was still on the room’s table. Did she not want it anymore?

How could she?

“By the way, Mr. Lin,” the receptionist continued, noticing Lin Shenlu’s vacant, dazed expression, as if her next words were a remedy for his distress. “Miss An left a letter for you at the front desk when she departed. Here it is.”

With a professional smile, she handed Lin Shenlu a folded piece of paper. His hands trembled as he took it.

Why? Why would she leave without saying goodbye, yet leave him a letter?

Lin Shenlu sighed and walked outside, letter in hand. Outside the Erduo Inn, he found a wicker chair and sat down. He gently unfolded the letter.

It was the first time he had seen An Muxi’s handwriting. The script was beautiful, neat, and elegant. The letter was quite lengthy. As he read, Lin Shenlu’s furrowed brow gradually relaxed, only to knit again.

Deer,

Please forgive my departure without farewell, but I truly do not know how to face you in the days ahead.

I admit, you frightened me a little last night.

I thought it over carefully—after all, we’ve only known each other for two days. Two days can feel long or short, but love at first sight is unlikely to turn two strangers into lifelong companions.

Though we’ve only spent two days together, we’ve shared warmth and beautiful memories I will never forget. I confess, I have never met someone like you—gentle, interesting, humorous, and attentive. I cannot deny my fondness for you and your excellence. At the very least, these two days in your company have brought me happiness I’ve never known before.

I have never trusted a man so quickly, not in just two days.

I do not know if, after making this decision to leave, I will suddenly think of you tomorrow. Though there is little point in thinking of you, since you never asked for my contact information before I left.

Of course, I believe our fate is not so shallow. If the beginning on the airplane was the start of our connection, then if fate is real, we will surely find a way to continue it.

You have a responsibility, Deer. Last night, you broke my necklace—the one I’ve worn for six years. You must make it right. Next time you see me, please return it. Until then, I won’t wear any jewelry on my neck.

And you owe me a perfect Sky Mirror. I hope that next time we meet, you’re ready for it. My expectations for you are high; you are the first person I’ve met who could fulfill all of them.

So, please give me a little time, and wait for my answer, alright?

...

Lin Shenlu read and reread the letter, his mind shrouded in confusion, his brows alternating between tension and relief. Was he happy or sad? Sad, because An Muxi had truly gone, and his journey would continue alone. Happy, because she had not left without a word, but instead had left him a letter. At least its contents proved he held a place in her heart. She had not outright rejected him, only said she could not accept him for now—which meant there was still hope.

Lin Shenlu could not help but smile.

Perhaps, in An Muxi’s heart, he was already more than a friend, but not quite a lover. Not love, not dislike, nor resistance—just that ambiguous feeling.

Lin Shenlu gently closed the envelope.

What should he do next? The trip to Dali he had so carefully planned was not going to unfold as expected. An Muxi’s sudden departure had broken the thread of his plans.